Skip to main content

New top story from Time: My Pandemic Baby Is Pulling Us Out of Our Cozy Cave. But How Will the World See a Disabled Mother Like Me?

https://ift.tt/3t0I61J

I am a different person now than I was when this pandemic started. I don’t just mean that I’ve stopped wearing makeup and started wearing leggings as my work-and-play uniform, although, yes, that too. Everything feels different because I went into the pandemic with a cute baby bump and the habit of sleeping through the night, and somewhere in there and with very few witnesses, I transformed into an actual mom.

Nearly a year after my son was born, I still am somewhat shocked to hold this title. I am now and forever will be someone’s mom! It’s an adjustment that I’m sure feels massive for most parents, whether their babies were born during a pandemic or not, but for me, much of the surprise is a result of having very little experience seeing parents who look like me.

I am a disabled mom. More specifically, I am a mom with paralyzed legs who uses a wheelchair to get most places. Before I found out I was pregnant, the idea that I would be a parent felt as likely and terrifying as taking a trek to outer space in a homemade rocket. And it would seem I’m not the only one with this lack of imagination. I don’t think a doctor had a serious conversation with me about the option to have a baby until I was 33 years old. Before then, my questions were usually dismissed. “We won’t know until we know,” I heard again and again.

One of the great losses of having a baby during a pandemic was not getting to share him with the world. I took hundreds of pictures of him—on a lemon-print blanket, on his changing pad, on his dad’s chest—and texted them to everyone I knew, so eager for others to witness his rolls and wrinkles. But sheltering at home gave us something too. It provided privacy for me to figure out the mechanics of motherhood from my seated position. I was allowed to ease into the role without much scrutiny or unwelcome feedback. It took time and practice to figure out our rhythms; I learned to lift him from the floor to my lap, in and out of his crib, up and over the baby gate—all without an audience.

The first time I took Otto to one of his doctor’s appointments by myself, when he was three weeks old, I was nervous. It was one of my first experiences occupying the role of mother in public. I pulled our car into the parking garage, lifted him out of his car seat and bundled him into his wrap. He curled into my belly. I pushed us toward the hospital, where a valet stood at her post by the front doors.

As soon as we exited the garage, I felt her eyes on me. I can’t know what she was ­thinking—maybe I reminded her of someone, or maybe she’d just remembered she’d forgotten to pick up milk at the store. Whatever the meaning behind her expression, it didn’t change the way her unrelenting gaze made me feel as we glided by her, as if she expected me to drop my baby onto the concrete at any moment. I willed myself to exude the confidence I’d started gathering at home. I knew what I was doing. He was safe with me.

Regardless of intent, every moment we spent in public sat atop a fraught history I couldn’t ignore.She watched us every foot of our journey, craning her neck to monitor us until we disappeared inside. Our smooth entrance into the hospital didn’t seem to reassure her of my abilities; she glowered at us again as we returned to the garage after Otto’s checkup. In fact, her surveillance became the bookends to all of his appointments. Each time, I made it back to our car shaken.

Not every encounter with strangers felt sinister. Some were nice, like when people in elevators chuckled over Otto’s expressive eyebrows sitting beneath his bright red hat with a green stem shooting out the top, and we got to explain that it was his “Tom-Otto” hat knitted by one of my students. Some moments were puzzling, like the first time we took Otto to a park—my partner Micah pushing him in a stroller and I rolling ­beside—and a woman passing us looked at Otto and nodded toward me. “Does she ever give you a ride in that thing?” she asked. I paused, perplexed. Did she imagine me as the family dog, fulfilling the singular role of an animated plaything for my son? Some responses to us were kindly meant, like when the sanitary workers loading our garbage onto their truck saw me transfer Otto into the car and applauded as if I’d stuck the landing on a triple axel while holding him up by my pinky. By that point, the ritual had become an ordinary dance for us, albeit a tad elaborate. Were we really such a spectacle?

Regardless of intent, every moment we spent in public sat atop a fraught history I couldn’t ignore. Disabled people have faced barriers to adoption, lost custody, been coerced and forced into sterilization and been pressured to terminate pregnancies. This legacy of fighting to be seen as trustworthy and deserving parents curled around the edges of my every interaction. Who here doubted my ability to keep my son safe? Who was looking for signs of my neglect? Every moment with onlookers was a moment I had something to prove. Even imagining an afternoon at the park made my body tense.

All we needed, I tried to convince Otto, were the comforts of our cozy cave where we could tune out the spectators and pretend our bubble was the whole universe. As long as we had Dad, FaceTime, takeout and daily bubble baths, we were set. Why risk being misjudged when we could escape notice altogether?

Otto disagreed, vehemently, faster than I knew babies could have opinions. He developed a high-pitched screech like a teakettle announcing its boiling point that was quelled only by leaving the confines of our little house. For months, he clamored for the great wide world like an angsty Disney princess. The spark behind his morning eyes made me think he’d like to twirl under an open sky and sing with strangers at the market.

The first time he sat in a room with his cousin Sam—hardly more than a baby himself—Otto erupted in giggles we’d never heard from him. He tilted his head to the side and scooted right up to Sam, not more than a few inches from his face—“Are you real?” he seemed to ask. He’d cup his hand against Sam’s cheek, the joy hitting him in waves. Sam held very still, eyes wide, bewildered by the focused attention. The moment was sweet, but a pang of vulnerability rose in my chest. Instinctually, I thought, “Don’t love so hard! You might not be loved back!” Otto didn’t know to gauge Sam’s reaction. He didn’t realize Sam wasn’t reciprocating.

The author and her family have started a tradition of giving each other a flood of kisses on their way out the door
Jess T. Dugan for TIMEThe author and her family have started a tradition of giving each other a flood of kisses on their way out the door

My baby is pulling us out of our cocoon and willing us out into the world. Part of me wants him to lap it up—to feel the bustle of a crowd on the edge of a parade, to smell the mix of sunscreen and chlorine at the public pool, to hear a room fill with the sound of people singing. But Otto doesn’t understand that seeing the world means being seen back. He doesn’t know the feeling of being inspected, evaluated, misunderstood. He doesn’t know how awkward and uncomfortable it can feel to be humans together. He doesn’t know the worry of saying the wrong thing, wearing the wrong thing, being the wrong thing. How do I teach him to be brave? To hold on to himself when the opinions of others are loud and everywhere? To know what risks are worth taking? To protect himself? How can I teach him even one thing, if I haven’t figured it out for myself yet?

As my brain circles the risks and rewards of leaving the house, as I talk with my friends, as I read Twitter, I realize I am not the only one feeling trepidation about re-entering the arena. So many of us have experienced a pocket of space to exist without observation for the first time in our lives, and it’s changed us—it’s given us the chance to experiment with gender expression, to relax into our own bodies, to practice a different relationship with work. How do we protect those newly discovered parts of ourselves as we return to some kind of normal? It feels like an unprecedented problem, but in some ways, these are the same questions we’ve been asking since the start of this pandemic. How do we keep ourselves safe and also stay connected? The threat might have a different shape, but the tension between the desire and the dilemma feels familiar.

How do I teach him to be brave? To hold on to himself when the opinions of others are loud and everywhere?A few months into the pandemic, my mom initiated a weekly family Zoom. Every Tuesday afternoon, she and my sisters and I synched up on one screen for two hours. There was no agenda or obligation. Sometimes we were late or in the car or at the park. Sometimes we had to stay on mute the entire time because a baby was crying in the background (oh hello, Otto!), but we continued to show up, week after week. We vented and soothed, lamented and advised, grieved and rallied.

One Tuesday afternoon, as I geared up for another of Otto’s doctor’s appointments, I released the valve holding back my anxiety about the valet’s persistent scrutiny. The enormous dread I felt in anticipation of these short walks from the garage to the hospital was getting worse. I would lie awake the nights leading up to the appointment, replaying the memory of being watched, trying to imagine the thoughts running through her head as she glared at us, worrying that this next time would be the time Otto would cry. And then what would she do?

I shared this with my family across the screen, throat tight, tears brimming. As soon as I said it out loud, I couldn’t believe I hadn’t brought it to them earlier. Just the relief of hearing them hear it made the experience feel smaller. They affirmed my abilities, validated the stress and felt it all with me. The next morning, as I pulled into the familiar parking garage, my phone buzzed with texts. “We’re with you!” they said. Their solidarity created a buffer around me as I pulled Otto from his car seat, strapped him to my chest and pushed us toward the hospital. That shield is what I remember most about that morning.

As Otto and I take our first cautious steps into the world together, I wish I could keep our bubble wrapped around us, grow calluses and not care when people stare, become impenetrable. But I don’t think this is a problem I can solve entirely on my own. As the pandemic crystallized for us, we are inextricably linked. We can only do so much to protect ourselves on our own; we’re much safer when we prioritize the health of the whole community. I think of all we did to protect each other this past year—staying home when we could, wearing masks, maintaining distance to keep all of us safe. Not everyone, of course. I don’t live in the land of unicorns and sparkle dust. But many of us learned to forge pockets of refuge for one another in the midst of the threat.

Watching this collaborative rallying makes me wonder what else we can build with these new skills we learned out in the wild. Can we re-create that same practice of care for our emotional well-beings? What would it look like to make space for each other to have changed? To reunite without expectation that anything has to look or sound or move or be the way it was before? To go into a day remembering—in our ­bodies—just how much risk it takes to show up at all, let alone to go against the grain?

Micah, Otto and I have started a tradition before we leave the house each day. We pause by the door, gather in a little triangle huddle and give each other a torrent of kisses. Almost like an incantation of protection, a practice of softness. I hope we are teaching Otto to be brave and also kind; to hold on to himself in all of the noise and to hold space for other people; to take the good risks and offer others a soft place to land; to create boundaries and respect others’ limits.

We aren’t starting from scratch. We know how to do this.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Bihar: Stages collapse during Congress rallies in Darbhanga, West Champaran https://ift.tt/37QFnks

The stage on which Congress candidate from Jale assembly seat, Mashkoor Ahmad Usman was addressing a rally broke and collapsed in Bihar's Darbhanga on Thursday. In a similar incident, another stage collapsed and took down party leaders Imran Pratapgarhi and Akhilesh Singh along with several party workers who were on the dias, during a Congress rally at Bagahi Deoraj in Champaran.

New Dashboards Give a Window into Muni Service Changes

New Dashboards Give a Window into Muni Service Changes By Kate McCarthy An inspector manages Muni service. New dashboards that help inform changes to Muni service are now live at SFMTA.com/MuniData Many factors inform our decisions about Muni service adjustments. These include making sure changes to service support the SFMTA’s values, which are economic vitality, environmental stewardship, trust and equity. We also evaluate travel patterns. You can now explore these patterns using the new Muni data dashboards  (SFMTA.com/MuniData). When looking at possible Muni service changes, the first thing we do is turn to the Muni Service Equity Strategy for guidance. Using the Muni Service Equity Strategy, we prioritize providing Muni service along routes that more often serve people of color, members of low-income households, and/or those who are dependent upon transit service, including people with disabilities and seniors. We also use ridership data to analyze where riders are boa...

India reports first 6 cases of new coronavirus strain after UK returnees test positive https://ift.tt/3pA0T2j

India on Tuesday reported the first six cases of the new coronavirus strain after six people who had returned from the United Kingdom were tested positive for the new UK variant genome. According to the details, the new coronavirus strain cases were reported from Hyderabad, Pune and Bangalore. Samples of 3 UK returnees were tested and found positive for the new UK strain in NIMHANS, Bengaluru. The other two cases were tested at the Centre for Cellular and Molecular Biology, Hyderabad; while the last case was tested at the National Institute of Virology, Pune.

FOX NEWS: Ohio amusement park shut down after multiple fights break out Kings Island in Mason, around 20 miles north of Cincinnati, closed down 30 minutes early Saturday night after several fights among teenagers occurred, reports suggest.

Ohio amusement park shut down after multiple fights break out Kings Island in Mason, around 20 miles north of Cincinnati, closed down 30 minutes early Saturday night after several fights among teenagers occurred, reports suggest. via FOX NEWS https://ift.tt/3wsn8uI

PM Modi lauds IFS officers for their work towards serving nation, furthering national interests https://ift.tt/36HoEzw

Greeting Indian Foreign Service officers on IFS day, Prime Minister Narendra Modi on Friday said that their work towards serving the nation and furthering national interests globally are commendable. Their efforts during the Vande Bharat Mission, which was launched to bring Indians home from abroad during the COVID-19 pandemic as international travel came to a halt, and other related help to our citizens and other nations is noteworthy, Modi added.

FOX NEWS: Bride's father asks stepdad to help walk her down the aisle in sweet viral moment A selfless gesture by the father of a bride was shared on social media in a viral moment of him surprising the girl’s stepfather by asking him to help walk her to the altar.

Bride's father asks stepdad to help walk her down the aisle in sweet viral moment A selfless gesture by the father of a bride was shared on social media in a viral moment of him surprising the girl’s stepfather by asking him to help walk her to the altar. via FOX NEWS https://ift.tt/ZkQ1Rpt

Better Connections from Bayview and Hunters Point to Downtown

Better Connections from Bayview and Hunters Point to Downtown By Enrique Aguilar To better connect southeast San Franciscans with downtown, the SFMTA debuted the 15 Bayview Hunters-Point Express in late January, coinciding with the return of T Third train service. Within weeks, average daily boardings reached 1,000 customers on this new service. The 15 Bayview Hunters Point Express  We added this route based on community feedback from the Southeast Muni Expansion Project in 2018, which prioritized a more direct trip to downtown from the Bayview. With the sudden rise of the COVID-19 pandemic and its disproportionate impacts on communities in the Bayview and Hunters Point, fast-tracking the project became critical to our transit planning. Adding service capacity and a direct connection between these neighborhoods and downtown is a crucial step in supporting the City’s economic recovery and increasing job access for essential workers using transit. Using data from the SFMTA Equ...

Plan Your Next Golden Gate Park Trip with Muni

Plan Your Next Golden Gate Park Trip with Muni By Eillie Anzilotti   A map of San Francisco showing Muni lines that offer direct service to Golden Gate Park, including: The 18 46th Avenue, the 29 Sunset, the 5 Fulton and 5R Fulton Rapid, the N Judah, the 44 O’Shaughnessy, the 33 Ashbury/18th Street, the 7 Haight/Noriega, the 43 Masonic and the 28 19th Avenue. Around each bus route shown on the map, a red zone shows the range within 1,000 feet of a stop, orange shows within 2,000 feet of a stop, and yellow shows within 3,000 feet. Here’s a fun fact: 70% of San Franciscans are within a 15-minute walk of a transfer-free Muni ride to the largest public space in our city: Golden Gate Park.   Especially as COVID-19 has heightened the importance of outdoor recreation and park access, SFMTA has made efforts to update Muni service to get people to Golden Gate Park. As of now, ...

New top story from Time: ‘I Should Be Presumed Innocent.’ Hong Kong Media Tycoon Jimmy Lai Criticizes His Arrest

https://ift.tt/342b8VJ Hong Kong media tycoon Jimmy Lai said he was arrested on “trumped up” charges, pushing back against landmark national security legislation that has raised questions about press freedoms and the future of the democracy movement. “They’re trumped up. I can’t go further on the details,” Lai said in an interview with Bloomberg Television on Friday morning. “Before any evidence, they just claimed and presumed that I’m guilty. This isn’t the way the law is. I should be presumed innocent. We have never supported the independence of Hong Kong.” He said Hong Kong’s future as Asia’s main financial hub was uncertain if there was no respect for the rule of law under the new security measures. “The future of Hong Kong is the future of any other Chinese city,” he added. “Without the rule of law, the international financial center will be finished.” He added that the law sent a “very negative” message to the business community in Hong Kong and overseas. Lai has ...

अगर मैंने आत्महत्या की तो लोगों को पता होना चाहिए किसकी वजह से की - फूटकर रोते दिखे विकास गुप्ता

सुशांत सिंह राजपूत की आत्महत्या हर किसी को एक गहरा सदमा दे गई है और अब सुशांत के करीबी दोस्त विकास गुप्ता ने एक वीडियो में अपनी आपबीती सुनाई है। विकास इस वीडियो में बेहद टूटे हुए नज़र आ रहे हैं from टेलीविजन की खबरें | Television News in Hindi | TV Serials Update in Hindi – FilmiBeat Hindi http:/hindi.filmibeat.com/television/vikas-gupta-reveals-people-want-him-to-commit-suicide-cries-his-heart-out-for-sushant-singh-rajput-090284.html?utm_source=/rss/filmibeat-hindi-television-fb.xml&utm_medium=23.213.205.12&utm_campaign=client-rss